The Wind at My Back

I can't bring myself to buying anything for the baby. At times I indulge myself and pop into a baby store to research strollers or to check out what is new the cloth diaper world. But I feel like a phony. I never stay long as the initial excitement wheres off in nano seconds once I am in and look around at other parents who actually have babies with them. I am really ok with it all but it just confirms why I don't want to buy anything until I have the baby proposal come my way. I don't want to jinx anything and I actually want to meet her first. How can you buy a gift for someone if you don't know who they are. Although I almost did that today at a store closing sale. Beautiful tablecloths and place mats at 70% off. I stopped, looked, and then walked right by thinking I will pop in on my way back to the car. Never passed the store, ended up walking around the block to hit the LCBO. At least I have my priorities straight.

OK, I digressed there for a moment. I want to jump back to my "researching" that I am doing for the baby. On-line has proven to be the best therapy. I don't feel like a phony on-line as it is just me looking, no other people, babies or store clerks asking "how old is your baby?"

The other week I found this really cool hammock. I thought how wonderful this be to hang on the cottage porch or out from a tree (yes I will have a bug net over it). Imagine looking up and seeing green shining leaves dancing with the wind and gold streaks of the sun playing hide-and seek.

For those who really know me....know how hard it is for me not to be completely organized and have everything all planned out down to the last onesie-washed, pressed and folded. But in this time of uncertainty I am learning how to be patient and how to let the universe back into my life for a little support and guidance (thanks S.L.). I need to trust that all will be right and I will be where I need to be at that time. It is rather liberating (big smile and sigh) knowing that I don't have to walk into the wind all the time.

Run Char Run

I have not been very active on my blog the past couple weeks but really there has not been much to write about. I am patiently waiting for Spring to arrive and stay put. I have had enough of the winter stuff and I need to put my box of hats, mitts, and scarves away. With that will go the boot tray by the door and those heavy winter coats that billow into my hallway taking up precious space in my already tiny house.

As I write this I am also thinking that my Charlotte goes to her dad's place tonight for three months. My three months are up and they were glorious. I just loved having her little spirit along side of me, looking up and wiggling her brown nose at me, lifting an eyebrow in question. She got me off my ass during my recovery to walk her. There is no keeping this dog inside and even if your head is in the toilet you would rather walk her than put up with her antics. She is my dress rehearsal before having a baby.

On Sunday we went to the Maple Syrup festival in Mountsberg. I was with my girlfriends and their babies/children. This place was swarming with families. There were excited children everywhere getting ready to eat pancakes and to learn how maple syrup is made. Charlotte was in heaven with all those pancakes around and her friends. We happily went along for the ride although what it really felt like to me was "one of these things just doesn't belong" song. After a while I needed to leave the "shiny happy people" for refuge into the wild so with that I said good-bye and Char and I (and auntie) left to hike through the woods and walk back to the farmhouse we were staying at.

This is a beautiful path back to the road with a boardwalk, forest, streams and really good smells. A quarter of the way in I let Char off the lead so she could feel free and run (and get tired). Within a few seconds she was off into the bush looking like she was on a mission for something. She did not come back. We waited and waited and finally it dawned on me that she might be headed back for the tasty bun we saw on route. Her nose never forgets. I head off back to where the people are but no sign of Char. I run back to Auntie and she has a strong hold on Char...she was just in the bush exploring just as a dog would do. So I am relieved at this point and we decide to carry on. Not more than 3 minutes later she was off like a shot again. This time we waited and waited and no Char. I was so worried that she might have fallen into the icy stream and maybe it was deep or it was too slippery for her to get out. All these thoughts came into my head. Auntie and I split up and she went back the way we came and I went into the bush to see if she was anywhere near. I couldn't believe this. We have walked this path a couple times and she has never done this.

I all but give up and start to walk back to park. I get word from a woman on the path that Char was there and having an altercation with her dog. I get chastised for not having Char on a leash and by this point I am too angry to even apologize to this dog owner and her mean looking dog. Almost into the park and Auntie comes running....:we found Char we found Char". My group of friends were waiting just inside the park all chagrined and I am poker face mad. They tell me they were just walking from the pancake area and they saw a dog running..."hey look at that dog". My other friend says, "that is not a dog that is Charlotte...look at the collar". So they bellowed her name and offered her treats and she came a runnin. She was held by a scarf until we could get the leash on her. Boy I was livid (and had to pee).

Char and I walked all the way home on the road, on a short lead and when we got back to the farm she stayed on lead while she was outside. Not a peep from her, head down, eyes upward looking at me with that beautiful face of hers. She knew she was in trouble. I figured that she either wanted pancakes or she just wanted to be where all the people were. All the passer by-ers were giving her lots of attention and she lives for that. Char also loves my friends and all their children (she is their protector).

Sometimes it just might not be about food. But who is kidding who...she is a lab.

Ah...the weekend is here.

I love my weekends. Who doesn't? Nothing is better than waking up and not having any plans. You just wing it for the day. One of my favorite things I look forward to is my coffee ritual on the weekend. Although I enjoy this every day of the week, on Sat & Sun it is much more special and this is why:

• first off I grind my beans fresh on Saturday (during the week it is just too loud and the walls between our houses are thin and that makes me a great neighbour).
• I only use organic kicking horse coffee (Three Sisters, Kootenay Crossing or Z-Wrangler) and I forgo the drip coffee machine and use a 1 cup filter process (Ezra's Pound uses this method).
• On Saturdays I make a big coffee and drink while I am reading the paper and on Sundays I actually froth my milk and make a latte that would rival Starbucks.
• I use only organic harmony cream for my coffee and for those close friends of mine...they know just how sticky I am about cream let alone organic cream (remember NYC?).
• I enjoy my cuppa java while reading the paper, reading blogs, or catching up on the news on-line and when it is sunny and warm outside I will head out to the porch with a good book or throw it in a to go cup and walk with my dog.
• Lastly, when up at C.I. I have more time to use the mocha on the stove and head to the beach with my journal in hand.

NYC Coffee Story: celebrating a milestone birthday with 3 of my girlfriends we wake up the first morning in the flat we were staying at in need of coffee. One of my friends sets off to find coffee to bring back for us as we really needed the shot of caffine to kick us into our day of mega shopping. My friend comes back having to only go a couple blocks for some java all smiles at having completed the task at hand in record time. The smell of coffee swirling around the small NYC flat....we were petty happy. Big thanks went out to our friend for venturing out so early in the morning .....but what do I do? Well, first off I have to make accomodations that it is not organic coffee but what made matters worse for me was that there was no cream at all....just milk. I can be pretty flexible on many things but my day is not off to a good start without my coffee ritual. I can't stay quiet for too long and have opted out of drinking coffee all together at this point. My lovely friend who has one of the biggest hearts I know volunteers to go and get cream for me. She felt responsible and knew that her job in getting coffee was not going to be complete unless she found and brought back cream for me. And so she did : )

So what is the moral of this story? Well a couple things come to mind. Don't ever serve me coffee without cream and organic cream prefered. Also, what comes to mind is that they don't have organic coffee in Vietnam let alone organic cream. I will be lucky to get cream. Or perhaps I need to be more adaptable to various hot drinks (hypnosis could work). Hmmm lots to think about and enough time to come up with a specific plan.

Note to self....modify coffee system for Vietnam or have an intervention before I go.

I am excited for other's excitement....

Over the past week or so there has been many referrals to waiting parents. I am following along with some of them through their blogs. One family in particular have been waiting for over 22 months and they just received their referral of a beautiful baby girl. So much happiness floating about my little adoption community.

There were also a couple referrals for baby boys. I am so fortunate to be able to share in some of the photos and my heart just melts knowing that these little babes will grow up with so much opportunity and love. I have read that the nannies in the orphanages are wonderful and very loving to all the babies they care for. That makes the waiting to travel for parents a little more tolerable.

So while I wait for my special day, for that telephone to ring and I am told to check my email for the new photos of my daughter, I will bask in the splendid thrill of others doing just that.

Trepidation

Lately, especially in the dead of winter, I have been questioning my ability to be a good "single" mom. Most of my friends are attached to another person called "the dad" and I still hear stories of how tired they are, frustrated, they don't have any time, baby won't sleep etc etc. Foresight allows me to be this strong capable woman juggling many balls but when I am feeling low I get overwhelmed at the thought of dropping many of those balls.

So this winter I have had the company of my lovely Charlotte to care for and I find myself every now and then getting frustrated. Come home from work, walk the dog, feed the dog, make dinner, watch a bit of tele, throw in laundry, get ready for bed, wake up, walk the dog, get ready to go to work....you get the picture and she is a dog with very few demands.

Maybe it is just the winter or that I am still post surgery but when I am feeling frustrated it makes me think how on earth will I be able to care for a baby, and a dog as one person? My mom did it with 6 children and I didn't feel the effects of that whatsoever. In fact I recall a wonderful childhood, very free and active. When I was growing up we were thrown into the backyard to play in the snow. My mom would be there to do a boot insulation change, new mittens and it was back outside to spend hours playing together.

As much as I am so excited about being a mom I am still very nervous and question if I can do it all. I guess this is what runs through every woman's head whether they adopt or give birth. Becoming a parent is daunting. It is the unexpected even when all your friends draw you a picture, my experience (or picture) will always be an original.

A Fork in the Road

I used to love a good ol fork in the road. I think back especially to when I was travelling on my own. I would set out backpacking in New Zealand or Australia and part way into my journey a fork would appear. Do I continue on set path or do I deviate to the unexpected that actually could be my true calling? My true north. As I hiked my way through the South Island of NZ I would almost always deviate and take the path least travelled or the optimal fork in the road that lead me to a new adventure.

So now at forty something I am shaken when there is a fork in the road. I am not equiped and I don't know how to navigate this impairment in my journey. It is like I turned forty and now, suddenly, even bungy jumping scares me and in my younger days, those who really know me, know what kind of bungee jumping I got up to.

Up until now I have kept a laser sharp focus on my Vietnam adoption. Tunnel vision some would say. I really believe in visualizing the future. Anyway, I now have a fork in my road. Don't get me wrong as it is still full steam ahead on my Vietnam adoption front but I have been presented with another path to take which means a shift in my current focus, taking time considering this fork in the road and wondering, questioning and not quite as eager to set my sail in a different direction.

Perhaps forty something has taught me to keep my eye on the ball, persevere and that good things come to those who, not just wait patiently, but work hard towards their goal.

The Winter Blues

It is coming up to the end of January and I am so happy to have this month behind me. Although it came with some great news and activities, I always find this month to be terribly long, cold, dark and lonely. Many are hibernating, avoiding the cold winds and the high snow drifts. Shovelling the drive became every one's workout regime (accept for my condo friends) in January.

I started back to work this month part-time from having three months off. For those of you reading and don't know I had reconstructive breast surgery (DIEP FLAP) due to breast cancer over 5 years ago. I can finally say that I am so happy I did this. I really thought I would never go down the surgery road again but 5 years is a long time and life does go on. The decision to have surgery also coincided with my adoption. I thought that if I could get a date for surgery in fall of 2008 then that would give me a good year to recover and gain back the strengths to travel to Vietnam to bring back baby Lily.

Everything seems to be on target. In Sept 2008 I was told that due to the situation of the US / Vietnam relationship on adoption that things have slowed down and my proposal date would be pushed to spring 2010 (They inform me at that time that I am about 24 on the list for adopting a girl). That was a kicker piece of news since I thought I would have been traveling in the summer of 2009. One must remain calm because if you are in this process of international adoption you have to be flexible, adaptable and optimistic. I was upset for about 4 hours and then quickly got over it.

My new motto: there is a reason for everything and I must not resist.

Go to early December 2008 and I get on the phone with my adoption agency. They now inform me that there has been quite a few referrals and some travel these past few months and I should anticipate a referral December 2009 (I am approx 18 on the list). I think that this is OK for me. Recover from surgery, save more money, organize house....it is all good.

"Referral" is when the Vietnam orphanage make a match between me and a baby and all information is sent to me via my adoption agency. It is also called a proposal.

Now I sit at the end of January thinking that my lovely daughter may not even be born yet. Possibly a summer baby may come my way. I contacted the agency last week to just check in. To my surprise I am told that I have moved and I am between 10-15 on the list. I am loving the list! I calm myself and tell myself not to read to much into this as things can change on a dime. I have been witness to much change already. But... my lips curl up, my eyes gleam and I allow myself to believe that my dream is finally going to come true.